Victory!

I've been pretty bad lately, but for the majority of the time I've been sticking to the diet. I haven't been exercising, which I rationalize by reminding myself that it's been the last two weeks of classes and I've been at the middle school full time... which, really, is strenuous by itself. But still, I know I can make time. It's only 30 minutes, right?
The last few weeks I've held steady at about 202.5. Disappointed that I wasn't losing any, but glad that I wasn't gaining. Still, really frustrating considering that most of the time, I am only eating 1500 calories, and many days that's been torture. I stopped weighing myself every morning, and as of today I hadn't weighed myself in a couple of days.
So that's why I was shocked this morning to step on the scale and see "198.6." I stepped off and recalibrated it. "198.6." Hmmm... I left, ate two eggs for breakfast (I got a double-yolked egg this morning for the first time in my life! A good omen, perhaps?), came back, and stepped back on. "199." I think I can officially say that at this moment, I weigh less than 200 lbs! That is the first major milestone for me! Woohoo!
I must add that now, the only pants that really fit me properly without needing help to stay up are two pairs that I could barely squeeze into two months ago. The rest of them (two of the pairs are purchases from this summer, that fit me quite well then) fall down without help. Yes!

Bah!

This morning: 202.0. I'm a couple pounds behind schedule, which aggravates me, but I'll get over it eventually. This past week has been super hard, but I'm back on track. Hopefully my shoulder will heal soon so I can pick back up on my exercise routine. Did I sabotage myself? It's a possibility.

I remember a conversation with my good friend Janeal when I very first started dating James. I told her all the cool things about him, and her response? "Don't sabotage this one, Audrey." I did. ...but I fixed it later! I hope I don't have to learn the sabotage lesson twice. :)

Avoidance

I haven't been posting because I'm feeling guilty.

Since last Tuesday, I haven't exercised one bit, and for two days I threw the diet out the window. I didn't go overboard, but I ate more than I usually do. One reason: I'm feeling a little under the weather, and my shoulder/back isn't better yet, and I'm under a huge level of stress. By Wednesday night most of that will be alleviated, but until then, gaaahhh!!!

So, I think I gained a pound back. Not so sure how I did that, maybe I'm retaining water or something. I don't think I've had more than 2200 calories on any single day, so maybe my metabolism has slowed way down? Who knows. I should be burning about that amount a day anyway. Frustration!

It's all relative

Last spring, I changed my diet for three months with little result. I cut back to 1800 calories a day, max... and lost only a couple pounds. Hence, the 1500 cal/day. Back then, if I had 1700 calories, I had a totally successful day--1700 calories then was skimpy! And usually, I was still hungry.
...But now, 1700 calories is naughty. It's bad. It's fatty. It's failure.

I had 1700 calories today. Do you want to know why I'm such a glutton?

I got called in to work yesterday evening, and I had to go right back at 7 Am this morning. I worked until after 4, and I had a really productive day. Working at NW makes me super hungry--I spend lots of time running around and such. Now I know why I gained weight after I quit last December. Anyway, I worked very hard Saturday night and Sunday morning/afternoon. And I was hungry. And we have a new crock pot, which we tried out today--so yes, I ate some of the deliciousness that came out of it--all 445 calories of my serving. Did I have to eat all 445 calories? Probably not. But I was hungry.

Lots of people have told me that 1500 calories isn't very much, especially for someone of my "frame," and that I shouldn't let myself go hungry--to eat, when my body says "feed me!"

...But when I do that, I end up eating 1700 calories. True, my BMR is about 1700 calories, which means there's really no way I can gain weight eating only 1700 calories, it still feels like I'm being bad, that I'm eating too much, that I need to exercise much more to make up for it.

And now these arguments make me feel like I'm developing an eating disorder, even though I'm still a healthy eater... and I think, is there a balance? Can I lose weight and not have this thought process? And when I lose all the weight I want, will I be able to break out of it? Will I still feel like 1700 is a bad number? If I feel like I'm going crazy because I'm punishing myself for 200 more calories today that I "should" have, then how does one hold herself accountable, maintain discipline? Shouldn't I be feeling bad about that?

Uh oh

Anyone who has ever worked on my back knows that I have a permanent knot village near my left shoulderblade.
I think that village is being invaded by Godzilla, and the villagers are fighting back with sharp sticks and trebuchets and arrows lit on fire, and Godzilla doesn't like those things so he's becoming angrier and destroying more huts and public buildings.
Somehow, I've hurt by back and it hurts hurts hurts more than I've ever hurt my back before. It's muscle ache, so I'm not too worried about it being serious... I just wished I had some good muscle relaxers right about now.

Anyone? Anyone?

Steady

Holdin' steady at 203--good!
I've been getting lazy about exercising. Tomorrow: newly committed. I will wake up, jog for 25 minutes, do yoga for 20, and weight lift. Making up for weekend laziness.

I tried on a pair of pants that I haven't been able to wear since last year. They fit! Yay for pink pants!

mmm... fudgcicle....

Yesterday morning: 203.8
This morning: 203.2

...which means I'm exactly on track of where I want to be! It also means that in a month and a half, I've lost 22% of the weight that I want to lose (55 pounds). I know it's going to get harder to lose the weight, but it's comforting to know that I've already accomplished over 1/5 of my goal. That's a lot.

...Just finished my cardio. Also did weights for 15 minutes. I was so sore this week! I took a big long nap this afternoon, after finishing two more Praxis tests.

No frills, no gimmicks.

This blog is all about pain, hunger, frustration, and failure.

...But it's also about my growing strength, willpower, esteem, and triumphs.

To make something public is to make it real--my success and stepbacks now are not known only to me. Makes me more accountable.

Today: 205.6
Six weeks ago: 215.9
Ten pounds! About 50 to go. *big breath*

What I've been doing: Yoga every 2-3 days, weight training every 2-3 days, cardio at least every other day. Soon, Pilates, thanks to Ginny.

Eating about 1400-1500 cals a day.