Two years ago...

I realized today that I'm 35 pounds lighter than I was the day I got married!

35 pounds is a lot. Of course, I kinda cheated. But that was the suckiest way to lose 15 pounds ever.

So, now the clothes that I bought because I was going to GAIN weight is now WAY too big, as clothing that was tight a month ago is now fitting perfectly. And actually, I feel a little awkward. I didn't think that I'd end up with body-image issues from LOSING weight, but I am struggling a little to accept the fact that I went from 197 to 183 seemingly overnight. And my body is shaped a little differently, and I have a big scar.

Prednisone woes

I've only been on it for a few weeks, but my doctor upped my dosage by 50% yesterday. I've got the "moon-face," swollen hands, appetite, flushed cheeks, dizziness, and nausea. Of course, those side effects may also be due to the Flagyl or Cipro as well, but I've been on those before and not experienced these side effects. My one consolation is that it hasn't made me totally break out yet--but the Cipro is fighting that battle, and I've only got three days left on it. So I have that to look forward to. So not only is my face BIGGER, but it will be pimply too. The kids will wonder what strange ailment makes me look like a freak... especially when the weight really starts packing on. I've got to buy fat pants today.

On the agenda today: pick up the rest of my medications, buy one of those ginormous pill boxes (this time I really can't keep the dosages straight without referring to the doctor's sheet), and check a couple stores for some clothes that I can actually fit into right now. I'm down to just one or two pairs of pants, and a dress. Unfortunately, this isn't the right time of year, so my choices are few. Wish me luck.

Feeling better

Well, I've been good and I've lost two of the pounds that I gained back! Only 3 to go. (I'm at about 195 now.) It seems that my metabolism had been used to processing 2000 calories for so long (since I've been bad) that once I started back on the diet I'm losing weight like I did when I first started the whole thing. That makes me feel hopeful!
This whole thing just sucks because I love love love food. And I'm getting more into cooking lately (I think it's the summer/farmer's market thing) so I think all day long of all the scrumptious things I could be cooking up but then I count up the calories and I wouldn't be able to stuff my face with the deliciousness like I like to do when I make something new and tasty. But then, my jeans are starting to fit again, so that keeps me in line.

Too long, bad news.

Yikes! I've been neglecting this blog lately, and I really need to start writing it on a weekly basis. I think it will help keep me dedicated.

Speaking of dedication--I gained 5 lbs back. grr. I was so close to my second goal (191) I could almost taste it--but instead, I tasted delicious pizzas and chocolates and ice creams.

Today, though, I was good. I'm at exactly 1500 calories, and I walked a mile. This morning I drove down to the Farmer's Market and parked a good half-mile away on purpose. It's funny how something so little as that can make you feel better. Anyway, I got some cherries and strawberries and a zucchini and walla wallas. And purple flowers for the kitchen table.

I'm hoping that after our upcoming move (in two weeks), and especially once school starts, a regular schedule will help me keep focused. At least, it did last year, when I lost the 20 lbs. Oh, and you know how the doctor's scale always seems to be on the heavy side? Well, I went to the doctor last week, and the scale 1) seemed accurate, and 2) showed a 21-lb weight loss since the last time I'd been in. Well, that's a first!

I'm Edumacated!

Last Saturday, the 5th, I walked in Graduate Commencement. Now, I sorta have a Master's Degree! (the diploma says differently)




















Claire and Noah playing in the background. Mom, Ginny, Claire, Noah, and James came to cheer me on. I'm certain that the more advanced degrees a person earns, the sillier he/she looks on graduation day.
















I spent the previous Wednesday with Mom and Dad. We went all over the place! Cannon Beach (ate at Mo's), the cheese factory, the Spruce Goose, MACA's open house, and out to eat with Hubby. It was a really great day.

It's time again

All right, my rediculousness has gone on long enough.
Not only have I not lost any weight in FOREVER, but I've gained a pound or two. Or three, maybe. And I was only ONE pound away from my first target weight. Gah!
So, here I go again...
I pledge to keep track of each and every single thing that I eat every day on my calorie counter.
I pledge to exercise at least two hours every week (for starters). This will happen, in part, by my pledge to wake up at 6 AM to hike or jog or what have you.
I pledge to not eat anything past 8 PM, unless I'm on a date.
I pledge to not eat more than an average of 1500 calories a day (that is, if I eat 1400 calories one day, I can eat 1600 calories the next. Yadda, yadda.).
I pledge to weigh myself every morning, and keep a list of my daily weigh-ins.

Spring has sprung, yadda yadda

Lost another pound (193ish now). Walked 2.5 miles on the nature trail this morning. It felt great!
Planning two hikes: perhaps one next Saturday (Horsetail Falls), and for-sure an overnight trip on the 31st. Anyone care to join me?

Back in the saddle

I'm strict strict strict again. Stocked up good food in the new place, take my lunch to school. Today: 194.0. If you notice, to the left and up top is a countdown of how many pounds I have left to lose until I'm no longer "obese." Even if I don't post, I usually keep that updated. And soon that number (which, today, is 3) will be ginormous again when I change it to "pounds to lose before I'm no longer "overweight."
I have renewed hope that I can do this! School keeps me on my feet all day, not to mention stressed out at times, and I've been burning more calories. Plus, I have the nature trail by the apartment, and the rain is starting to let up... welcome, Spring!

Finally...

Since the holidays, my discipline has been terribly inconsistent. I need to rededicate myself to the diet and start exercising again.

...Fortunately, I haven't gained any weight. And actually, as of this week, I've officially lost 20 pounds! I have regained hope and energy.

And James and I have a new apartment! We're moving into a smaller place, downsizing our possessions, and living more simply. And we'll be living in a great location! Right up the hill from OHSU, a block and a half from the Marquam Nature trail, and less than 10 minutes to downtown (and James' work). Closer to friends, entertainment, nature... just about everything but a grocery store. And that, I have a feeling, will be a bit of a blessing.

Victory!

I've been pretty bad lately, but for the majority of the time I've been sticking to the diet. I haven't been exercising, which I rationalize by reminding myself that it's been the last two weeks of classes and I've been at the middle school full time... which, really, is strenuous by itself. But still, I know I can make time. It's only 30 minutes, right?
The last few weeks I've held steady at about 202.5. Disappointed that I wasn't losing any, but glad that I wasn't gaining. Still, really frustrating considering that most of the time, I am only eating 1500 calories, and many days that's been torture. I stopped weighing myself every morning, and as of today I hadn't weighed myself in a couple of days.
So that's why I was shocked this morning to step on the scale and see "198.6." I stepped off and recalibrated it. "198.6." Hmmm... I left, ate two eggs for breakfast (I got a double-yolked egg this morning for the first time in my life! A good omen, perhaps?), came back, and stepped back on. "199." I think I can officially say that at this moment, I weigh less than 200 lbs! That is the first major milestone for me! Woohoo!
I must add that now, the only pants that really fit me properly without needing help to stay up are two pairs that I could barely squeeze into two months ago. The rest of them (two of the pairs are purchases from this summer, that fit me quite well then) fall down without help. Yes!

Bah!

This morning: 202.0. I'm a couple pounds behind schedule, which aggravates me, but I'll get over it eventually. This past week has been super hard, but I'm back on track. Hopefully my shoulder will heal soon so I can pick back up on my exercise routine. Did I sabotage myself? It's a possibility.

I remember a conversation with my good friend Janeal when I very first started dating James. I told her all the cool things about him, and her response? "Don't sabotage this one, Audrey." I did. ...but I fixed it later! I hope I don't have to learn the sabotage lesson twice. :)

Avoidance

I haven't been posting because I'm feeling guilty.

Since last Tuesday, I haven't exercised one bit, and for two days I threw the diet out the window. I didn't go overboard, but I ate more than I usually do. One reason: I'm feeling a little under the weather, and my shoulder/back isn't better yet, and I'm under a huge level of stress. By Wednesday night most of that will be alleviated, but until then, gaaahhh!!!

So, I think I gained a pound back. Not so sure how I did that, maybe I'm retaining water or something. I don't think I've had more than 2200 calories on any single day, so maybe my metabolism has slowed way down? Who knows. I should be burning about that amount a day anyway. Frustration!

It's all relative

Last spring, I changed my diet for three months with little result. I cut back to 1800 calories a day, max... and lost only a couple pounds. Hence, the 1500 cal/day. Back then, if I had 1700 calories, I had a totally successful day--1700 calories then was skimpy! And usually, I was still hungry.
...But now, 1700 calories is naughty. It's bad. It's fatty. It's failure.

I had 1700 calories today. Do you want to know why I'm such a glutton?

I got called in to work yesterday evening, and I had to go right back at 7 Am this morning. I worked until after 4, and I had a really productive day. Working at NW makes me super hungry--I spend lots of time running around and such. Now I know why I gained weight after I quit last December. Anyway, I worked very hard Saturday night and Sunday morning/afternoon. And I was hungry. And we have a new crock pot, which we tried out today--so yes, I ate some of the deliciousness that came out of it--all 445 calories of my serving. Did I have to eat all 445 calories? Probably not. But I was hungry.

Lots of people have told me that 1500 calories isn't very much, especially for someone of my "frame," and that I shouldn't let myself go hungry--to eat, when my body says "feed me!"

...But when I do that, I end up eating 1700 calories. True, my BMR is about 1700 calories, which means there's really no way I can gain weight eating only 1700 calories, it still feels like I'm being bad, that I'm eating too much, that I need to exercise much more to make up for it.

And now these arguments make me feel like I'm developing an eating disorder, even though I'm still a healthy eater... and I think, is there a balance? Can I lose weight and not have this thought process? And when I lose all the weight I want, will I be able to break out of it? Will I still feel like 1700 is a bad number? If I feel like I'm going crazy because I'm punishing myself for 200 more calories today that I "should" have, then how does one hold herself accountable, maintain discipline? Shouldn't I be feeling bad about that?

Uh oh

Anyone who has ever worked on my back knows that I have a permanent knot village near my left shoulderblade.
I think that village is being invaded by Godzilla, and the villagers are fighting back with sharp sticks and trebuchets and arrows lit on fire, and Godzilla doesn't like those things so he's becoming angrier and destroying more huts and public buildings.
Somehow, I've hurt by back and it hurts hurts hurts more than I've ever hurt my back before. It's muscle ache, so I'm not too worried about it being serious... I just wished I had some good muscle relaxers right about now.

Anyone? Anyone?

Steady

Holdin' steady at 203--good!
I've been getting lazy about exercising. Tomorrow: newly committed. I will wake up, jog for 25 minutes, do yoga for 20, and weight lift. Making up for weekend laziness.

I tried on a pair of pants that I haven't been able to wear since last year. They fit! Yay for pink pants!

mmm... fudgcicle....

Yesterday morning: 203.8
This morning: 203.2

...which means I'm exactly on track of where I want to be! It also means that in a month and a half, I've lost 22% of the weight that I want to lose (55 pounds). I know it's going to get harder to lose the weight, but it's comforting to know that I've already accomplished over 1/5 of my goal. That's a lot.

...Just finished my cardio. Also did weights for 15 minutes. I was so sore this week! I took a big long nap this afternoon, after finishing two more Praxis tests.

No frills, no gimmicks.

This blog is all about pain, hunger, frustration, and failure.

...But it's also about my growing strength, willpower, esteem, and triumphs.

To make something public is to make it real--my success and stepbacks now are not known only to me. Makes me more accountable.

Today: 205.6
Six weeks ago: 215.9
Ten pounds! About 50 to go. *big breath*

What I've been doing: Yoga every 2-3 days, weight training every 2-3 days, cardio at least every other day. Soon, Pilates, thanks to Ginny.

Eating about 1400-1500 cals a day.